Inside the cucumber

Many readers have asked what actually happens once a Damsel in distress, or a scantly clad Martyress, is fagocitated by a evil cucumber, poor thing.

The answer is not easy, coz whomever was actually fagocitated by a cucumber is hardly still able to facturate factual facts and/or circumstantiate circumastances anymore, duh.

There are various philosophical schools, however, and this question is the object of fiery debates.
According to Professor Doctor E.F.Leskowitz, of the Biology faculty in the Nizhny Novgorod University (Department Ethology of evil Cucurbitaceae), the young martyresses and all other scantly clad females are compelled, once fagocitated inside, to lubricate the nervous dendrils of the (mostly male) cucumbers.

Yet this interpretation is vehementely denied by H.K.Smirterhumber, of the renomed Adelaide Institute for Cucumber Researches (AICR). According to professor Smirterhumber, the victims are simply digested, their eventual pump shoes being later expelled by the evil cucumber, usually during the dry season. He points out that the daily salivary output in a healthy scantly claid female wouldn't suffice to lubricate a typical cucumbric nervous dendril for more than a couple of hours... if ever.
Recent researches prove that the average human female produces approximately 700mL of saliva per day, 800mL at most, which is much less than what would be necessary to lubricate the nervous dendrils of any average healthy cucumber. Also the genioglossus muscle of an average human female wouldn't be able to "work" (i.e.: doing its lubricating duties) longer than three or four hours at most (and only if you are really lucky).

However, and despite these worthy objections, we are now able to present a sketch and a photograph taken by Z.R.Bluwimowitch Junior, a student of Leskowitz. He was able to investigate the fagocitation of Ludmila Radchenko, snapped by a cucumber on 8 May 2007 on her way home.

These images, though contested by Smirterhumber, who belittles the ' much too plastic' pose of the photograph and the 'meaninglessness' of the sketch, seem indeed to conferm Leskowitz's theory.
Judge by yourself (if you click on the images, you'll be able to enlarge them).

Let's have some sound cucumber Taxonomy:

Kingdom Plantae -- vegetals
Subkingdom Tracheobionta -- vascular plants
Division Magnoliophyta -- angiospermes, angiosperms, phanérogames
Class Magnoliopsida -- dicots, dicotylédones, dicotyledons
Subclass Dilleniidae -- obvious, but often underestimated
Order Violales -- many forget this (to their own peril)
Family Cucurbitaceae -- citrouilles, gourdes, gourds, squashes
Genus Cucumis L. -- melon
Species Cucumis sativus L. -- garden cucumber
Tendence Evil -- bad, mauvais