A new series: beakered women

Ahh! What happens here?
Beakered ladies. Click to enlarge.
Some try to escape, but they won't manage it.
Nossir! They won't manage it!

20th of March: Saint Alexandra, Saint Claudia and Saint Euphrasia (+Saint Julia)

Alessandra

Eufrasia

Claudia


Discovered in the church of the Virgin constructed by Constantine Lips, a high official in the court of Leo VI, the Saint Euphrasia, Alexandra and Claudia plaques are the finest inlaid marble icons to have survived from early Byzantium. The plaques are housed in the Istanbul Archaeological Museum, inv. n° 4309, 4310, 4311. They are quite similar to the plaque of Saint Julia (Istanbul Archaeological Museum, inv. n° 3019). The surface of the plaques measure 66 by 28 cm and the thickness is 6-8 cm. The sides of the plaques are beveled from the front surface to the back; of the four sides, the upper surface is angled most acutely. There are no indications of clams or dowel holes. Aside from a number of missing inlaid marbles and glass fragments, around the ears and the tits, the plaques are in good condition.
This examination proves the identity of these obscure martyresses. However the evidence suggests that Eufrasia, Alessandra and Claudia are not just three more exiled virgins of the Early Christian period but also the little-known playthings of the prefect (and satrape) Theoteknos. The representations of these martyresses demonstrate that in the early fourth century, the creation of Byzantine saints and the commissioning of sacred art were intimately related to sexual affairs of the imperial household. It is easy to see that the facial characteristics of all these martyresses, -especially the posture of the mouths- have most probably been created by a single, sublime artist.
Many authors believe that the Saint Julia plaque belongs to this very series as well.

The story of these martyresses, while extremely sad, is surely instructive:
"At this time (286-310), seven holy virgins died for Christ. The eldest, St Tecusa, was the aunt of St Theodotus. The holy virgins Tecusa, Phaine, Claudia, Matrona, Julia, Alexandra and Euphrasia had dedicated themselves to God from their youth, living in constant prayer, fasting, temperance and good deeds.

Brought to trial as Christians, the holy virgins bravely confessed their faith in Christ before Theoteknos and were at once given over to torture, yet remained steadfast. The evil prefect decided subsequently to personally abuse their tortured bodies for various weeks, then tired, gave them to shameless tatooed youths for further defilement. The holy virgins prayed intensely, asking help from God or whomever was listening.
St Euphrasia fell down, licking the feet of a youth, and pushing back her veil, she showed him her holy tits, marred by the scars and awful tortures inflicted by Theoteknos. The young man, startled, ran off weeping.
The other shameless tatooed youth gave up as well, and fled.
The prefect then ordered that one more chance would have been granted to the seven saints: "Please recant!" -He said- "Take part in offering sacrifice to the idols! Pretty please!"
"Otherwise I'll have to kill you, and all my pagans gods know how much I dilike such a solution: Your beautiful bodies deserve kindness, kisses and caresses and not death, whipslashes or rudeness".

But again the holy virgins refused.
For this they were sentenced to death. A heavy stone was tied to the beautiful legs of each martyress, and all seven of the holy virgins were drowned in a lake"

Ok, ok, now I know that most readers would like to see also the "fourth" plaque, the one that depicts the erotic saint "Saint julia".

Thsi wasn't easy to fnd on the web, but I managed it. Here you go (click on it to enlarge and enjoy)! Note the very fine "dark porporal" marble background...

Julia

Saint Lucilla, 23th of July

One of 23 Christians virgins martyred with gusto during the persecutions of Gallienus.

Lucilla was one of the most highly venerated virgin martyrs of Christian antiquity, a beautiful young woman, put to death in Toscana for her steadfast profession of faith. Although it is uncertain in which Gallienus persecution this took place, we may accept, as probably based on ancient tradition, the evidence of her legendary life, composed at a later date, to the effect that her martyrdom occurred during the main persecution of Gallienus (257-258).

She was tied to a heavy metal chain in an upright position. She resisted for three straight days. When her feet couldn't sustain her weight any more, she died of strangulation.

We managed to find two very rare and unique "santini" of Lucilla's martyrdom. Click on both to enlarge. The "santini" were both framed (and found by us) by the sisters of the infamous Convent of Santa Maria delle Aguzzine, in the village of Puente la Reina, near Pamplona.



A sad story, he. But that's what happens again and again whenever you have nice martyresses that believe in Xst our savourous saviour and at the same time (and historic frangent) a lot of beastly pagans bent on harming such virgins, duh.

Human nature? Were martyresses CREATED to suffer martyrdom? Were pagans CREATED to enjoy female hopelessness?
Who knows? Our task is just to register facts.
Readers will have to judge by themselves.

Saint Seconda (Secunda) and Saint Rufina

Saint Seconda (Secunda) (click on the image to enlarge)

Ready for the TENTH OF JULY? Read on!

According to the Acta Sanctorum (Acta SS., July, III, 30-1), Secunda and Rufina suffered their erotic martyrdom in 257, during the persecution of Valerian. The holy scripts state that they were daughters of a Roman senator named Asterius. Their fiancés, Armentarius and Verinus, were originally Christians, but quickly renounced their faith when Valerian began his persecutions. A couple of arrivist wankers, he.

Escaping to Etruria, Rufina and Secunda were captured at the border and brought before a prefect, Junius Donatus, who first tortured them through whipping and beating, then compelled them to very unholy acts, and finally, satisfied, beheaded them for good.

Their bodies were buried on the Via Aurelia and the church of "Sante Rufina e Secunda" was built on their grave -after a while- by Pope Damasus.

Secunda has mostly been depicted (see the famous painting by Morazzone) naked and wearing striped socks during her whipping, beating and demeaning.

This makes her (and her sister) a couple of very erotic martyresses indeed, even if, to say the truth, Rufina was a little plumper and slightly less arousing than her sister.

Here another description:

"257. Asterius, a Roman senator, had two daughters, Rufina and Secunda. He found for them fiancés: Armentarius and Verinus, and since all four betrothed were Christians, the matches seemed perfect.

Soon, however, the Emperor Valerian began to persecute the church and Armentarius and Verinus renounced Christianity, the wankers. Neither girl would do this. Both decided to escape to Etruria, but on their way they were captured and brought before a prefect named Junius Donatus.

Junius Donatus decided on a cruel torment: he would scourge Rufina with whips and vulgar desecrations while her sister watched. As the scourging began, Secunda shouted, "Why are you honoring my sister in this way and dishonoring me! Please scourge us both at the same time. We both declare that Jesus Christ is God" Realizing that neither girl would recant anytime soon, Junius Donatus had them thoroughly whipped, compelled both to solace himself (and then a great part of the garrison) and finally had them beheaded.




In art, Saints Rufina and Secunda are mostly represented as two very sexy maidens being whipped and molested while wearing striped socks" (and almost nothing else).

As you can see, in our second photo Secunda has acquired an halo. (Click to enlarge)
Woah!
Please note that martyrs & martyresses usually didn't get halos "immediately", or "at once" or "on the fly", duh, no, no,no. They had a right to halos, but only after suffering -at least a short while.
I reckon that in the first of my photos, above, there was no halo on Secunda's nice head because her martyrdom wasn't yet "in full swing". I might be wrong, but that's my theory.

In fact note how, now, in our second photo, the honorable Julius Donatus himself is personally trying to break/tweak her breast-rings out of her remarkable tits.
She's got a halo now, so Secunda must therefore have -meanwhile- accumulated enough -so to say- "martyrdom points". This explains why henceforth she got her well-deserved Halo.
She also looks quite crossed, as you may notice. This is easily explained: you surely know the famous pre-latin adagio: "Chicks prefer prefects that don't squeeze tits".

We could also cite Scherza coi santi e lascia stare i fanti... if you'll allow me to recall a somehow "post-latin" interesting proverb.

Click on both images to enlarge :-)

A final testimoniance underlines the importance of their socks: "The virgins Rufina and Secunda, because they would not abandon their vow of virginity to Christ, were afflicted with various hideous tortures. Protected by Angels, and thanks to their striped socks, they persevered in their holy resolve, and were finally beheaded at the 10th milestone on the Aurelian Way. Their bodies were finally laid in the Basilica of Constantine near the Baptistery".

Ok, ok, I know what every reader will be asking for: and Saint Rufina? And Saint Rufina?
Ok.
Here she is, in all her splendour, photographed in the very moment she gets her new (and deserved) holy halo through (and thanks to) the beating that prefect Julius Donatus has gleefully assigned to her.
She looks apparently a tag sad in this photo... but rest assured: inside she's quite happy and glad to be heavily honored by the hideous atheist/pagan persecution. More punishment is just more glory to our holy Xst savourous saviour!
Note also (clicking on Rufina's image: go ahead) the extremely high resolution of our beautiful photo! Holy Rufina! Go-go-go! Woah!



Halo-op Rufina! Halo-op!

A final version of our interesting story: Enjoy!

" Rufina and Secunda were two beautiful and accomplished ladies, daughters of Asterius, a gentleman of eminence in Rome. Rufina, the elder, was designed in marriage for Armentarius, a young nobleman; Secunda, the younger, for Verinus, a person of rank and opulence. The suitors, at the time of the persecution's commencing, were both Christians; but when danger appeared, to save their fortunes, they renounced their faith. They took great pains to persuade the ladies to do the same, and to stop wearing those funny striped socks, but, disappointed in their purpose, the lovers were base enough to inform against the ladies, who, being apprehended as Christians, were brought before Junius Donatus, praefect, who tortured them, took great pleasure with both and then commanded (A.D. 257) that they sealed their holy martyrdom with their blood"

Ok, we have a last photo of Saint Rufina. Really demeaning: don't look if you don't like demeaning & demeaned martyresses. Description: a soldier of the garrison compel's Rufina to lick his feet. Gosh!
The holy Rufina obeys, but she preserves with courage and force her indomitable faith in Xst, the savourous saviour.
Of course.

Here you are.

Saint Priscilla

Saint Priscilla (8th of July) was thrown from a precipice, off the mountain Taigetos, by the lackeys of the Emperor Claudius in the month of May, during the year 47 D.C.

Exactly 1960 years afterwards (in fact: today) something bizarre happened near the Tahikutos ridge (part of the Kildeer mountains) in Missouri:

"ST. LOUIS, MO, May 8, 2007 - Dozens of people around the Kildeer mountains in North Dakota and Missouri claim to have seen "a flaming martyress" falling from the sky.

Kendall Tretters with the Missouri State Highway Patrol in St. Louis says people reported seeing many precipitating martyresses over a widespread area last night, including St. Louis, Cape Girardeau and Pettis County in Missouri and also near the North Dakota badlands.

Major April Cunningson, with the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD, says that a preliminary report indicates these strange 'female looking objects' came from a meteorit-like formation.

Cunningson says a pilot reported seeing a small sexy meteor with a strange golden halo, but unfortunately she could not give any more details.

Most reports described the falling objects as "bright sexy lights" or "something burning with nice, firm, tits". Several of the holy objects were seen exploding when they hit the ground.

We managed to get TWO rare holy images of Saint Priscilla, still precipitating after having been thrown into the ravine.
Click on either one to enlarge and gasp in awe! Behold the power of the holy Christ: she survived the terrible fall (yet required two years of rehabilitation).

Inside the cucumber

Many readers have asked what actually happens once a Damsel in distress, or a scantly clad Martyress, is fagocitated by a evil cucumber, poor thing.

The answer is not easy, coz whomever was actually fagocitated by a cucumber is hardly still able to facturate factual facts and/or circumstantiate circumastances anymore, duh.

There are various philosophical schools, however, and this question is the object of fiery debates.
According to Professor Doctor E.F.Leskowitz, of the Biology faculty in the Nizhny Novgorod University (Department Ethology of evil Cucurbitaceae), the young martyresses and all other scantly clad females are compelled, once fagocitated inside, to lubricate the nervous dendrils of the (mostly male) cucumbers.

Yet this interpretation is vehementely denied by H.K.Smirterhumber, of the renomed Adelaide Institute for Cucumber Researches (AICR). According to professor Smirterhumber, the victims are simply digested, their eventual pump shoes being later expelled by the evil cucumber, usually during the dry season. He points out that the daily salivary output in a healthy scantly claid female wouldn't suffice to lubricate a typical cucumbric nervous dendril for more than a couple of hours... if ever.
Recent researches prove that the average human female produces approximately 700mL of saliva per day, 800mL at most, which is much less than what would be necessary to lubricate the nervous dendrils of any average healthy cucumber. Also the genioglossus muscle of an average human female wouldn't be able to "work" (i.e.: doing its lubricating duties) longer than three or four hours at most (and only if you are really lucky).

However, and despite these worthy objections, we are now able to present a sketch and a photograph taken by Z.R.Bluwimowitch Junior, a student of Leskowitz. He was able to investigate the fagocitation of Ludmila Radchenko, snapped by a cucumber on 8 May 2007 on her way home.

These images, though contested by Smirterhumber, who belittles the ' much too plastic' pose of the photograph and the 'meaninglessness' of the sketch, seem indeed to conferm Leskowitz's theory.
Judge by yourself (if you click on the images, you'll be able to enlarge them).

Let's have some sound cucumber Taxonomy:

Kingdom Plantae -- vegetals
Subkingdom Tracheobionta -- vascular plants
Division Magnoliophyta -- angiospermes, angiosperms, phanérogames
Class Magnoliopsida -- dicots, dicotylédones, dicotyledons
Subclass Dilleniidae -- obvious, but often underestimated
Order Violales -- many forget this (to their own peril)
Family Cucurbitaceae -- citrouilles, gourdes, gourds, squashes
Genus Cucumis L. -- melon
Species Cucumis sativus L. -- garden cucumber
Tendence Evil -- bad, mauvais

More evil cucumbers: two ways to react, both doomed :-)

Ah, the evil cucumbers! What wuold YOU do if cucumbers would suddendly stalk and attack you? How would you react? That's something you should not underestimate. Listen to me: Better be prepared than sorry (estote parati).

Let's start with the second (or bottom) image (click on it to enlarge) where our "pantyhose" clothed, "french maid" posette, cannot (and should not) run away any more. Woah! She might even loose her cherished pink sandals! "La pauvre petite est bien perdue dans cette immensité de verdure!"

Maybe she'll be gone for good! Who knows what will happen next? (I do: The sturdy determination you can read on her face won't save her, I fear. Quite the contrary).

Anyway you can easily discern, here, a particularly nasty example of the many assorted parthenocarpic humiliations that such as evil as preposterous cucurbitaceae usually inflict on innocent female runners (and /or pantyhose joggers).

Now compare this stressed situation with the previous, somehow more relaxed posette, equally caught by the evil cucumbers in the same part of the perilous garden by the same surveillance camera.
This one, with her nice neo-classical almost transparent tunic (and waay more opened and relaxed legs), seems to follow the old (bogus) advice "try to resist, if you cannot, enjoy it". Maybe she's just dreaming? Oh no, unfortunately. As the sequel of these stories will show, the soft abandon you can read on her face won't save her, I fear. Quite the contrary)..