Inside the cucumber

Many readers have asked what actually happens once a Damsel in distress, or a scantly clad Martyress, is fagocitated by a evil cucumber, poor thing.

The answer is not easy, coz whomever was actually fagocitated by a cucumber is hardly still able to facturate factual facts and/or circumstantiate circumastances anymore, duh.

There are various philosophical schools, however, and this question is the object of fiery debates.
According to Professor Doctor E.F.Leskowitz, of the Biology faculty in the Nizhny Novgorod University (Department Ethology of evil Cucurbitaceae), the young martyresses and all other scantly clad females are compelled, once fagocitated inside, to lubricate the nervous dendrils of the (mostly male) cucumbers.

Yet this interpretation is vehementely denied by H.K.Smirterhumber, of the renomed Adelaide Institute for Cucumber Researches (AICR). According to professor Smirterhumber, the victims are simply digested, their eventual pump shoes being later expelled by the evil cucumber, usually during the dry season. He points out that the daily salivary output in a healthy scantly claid female wouldn't suffice to lubricate a typical cucumbric nervous dendril for more than a couple of hours... if ever.
Recent researches prove that the average human female produces approximately 700mL of saliva per day, 800mL at most, which is much less than what would be necessary to lubricate the nervous dendrils of any average healthy cucumber. Also the genioglossus muscle of an average human female wouldn't be able to "work" (i.e.: doing its lubricating duties) longer than three or four hours at most (and only if you are really lucky).

However, and despite these worthy objections, we are now able to present a sketch and a photograph taken by Z.R.Bluwimowitch Junior, a student of Leskowitz. He was able to investigate the fagocitation of Ludmila Radchenko, snapped by a cucumber on 8 May 2007 on her way home.

These images, though contested by Smirterhumber, who belittles the ' much too plastic' pose of the photograph and the 'meaninglessness' of the sketch, seem indeed to conferm Leskowitz's theory.
Judge by yourself (if you click on the images, you'll be able to enlarge them).

Let's have some sound cucumber Taxonomy:

Kingdom Plantae -- vegetals
Subkingdom Tracheobionta -- vascular plants
Division Magnoliophyta -- angiospermes, angiosperms, phanérogames
Class Magnoliopsida -- dicots, dicotylédones, dicotyledons
Subclass Dilleniidae -- obvious, but often underestimated
Order Violales -- many forget this (to their own peril)
Family Cucurbitaceae -- citrouilles, gourdes, gourds, squashes
Genus Cucumis L. -- melon
Species Cucumis sativus L. -- garden cucumber
Tendence Evil -- bad, mauvais

More evil cucumbers: two ways to react, both doomed :-)

Ah, the evil cucumbers! What wuold YOU do if cucumbers would suddendly stalk and attack you? How would you react? That's something you should not underestimate. Listen to me: Better be prepared than sorry (estote parati).

Let's start with the second (or bottom) image (click on it to enlarge) where our "pantyhose" clothed, "french maid" posette, cannot (and should not) run away any more. Woah! She might even loose her cherished pink sandals! "La pauvre petite est bien perdue dans cette immensité de verdure!"

Maybe she'll be gone for good! Who knows what will happen next? (I do: The sturdy determination you can read on her face won't save her, I fear. Quite the contrary).

Anyway you can easily discern, here, a particularly nasty example of the many assorted parthenocarpic humiliations that such as evil as preposterous cucurbitaceae usually inflict on innocent female runners (and /or pantyhose joggers).

Now compare this stressed situation with the previous, somehow more relaxed posette, equally caught by the evil cucumbers in the same part of the perilous garden by the same surveillance camera.
This one, with her nice neo-classical almost transparent tunic (and waay more opened and relaxed legs), seems to follow the old (bogus) advice "try to resist, if you cannot, enjoy it". Maybe she's just dreaming? Oh no, unfortunately. As the sequel of these stories will show, the soft abandon you can read on her face won't save her, I fear. Quite the contrary)..

Well, let's see some cucumbers

My Lempicka

Mycetrioli

----- WUZ DAT? -----

I am not sure about the sense of all this, but since I'm producing (what I think are) nice Poser images and stories, let's present (a small choice of) them.

The First one, "Mylempicka", is an attempt to recreate the Tamara de Lempicka magic.

The second one is from a personal science fiction series: "Mycetrioli" (literally: "My cucumbers").

----- WUZ GOING ON? -----

I won't even try to explain what's going on in both stories. Suffice to say that My beautiful Lempicka must arise from her grave and has to crawl for life, hungry for only two things: old vinyl records of Donovan Leich and fresh human brains!
While in the Mycetrioli science fiction cycle, cucumbers turn really bad, and our scantily clothed martyresses and assorted holy women have to endure not only continuous pollination harassment, but also all the usual nasty parthenocarpic humiliations and flowering degradation practices that such fruity cucurbitaceae almost always force onto innocent bystanders.

----- HOW DID DO? -----

All images were made with Poser using either the G2 figures, or mike, or Victoria 4 ("Vicky 4" by daz3d): software and software characters that anyone with brain level 'cucumber' could find on the web for free, but that we all should instead buy.
If you don't want to buy software, instead of stealing it, just ditch windows and use linux (as by all means you should do indeed, for the speed, for the power and for the total control), and in that case, in order to recreate this kind of stuff, you could run -with wine- either poser 4 or poser 5 (both now in the "abandonware" limbo, and thus easily available on the web).
Alternatively you may even go "full linux" and use the promising 'makehuman' (and of course the powerful blender) instead. Once you learn how to use the gimp and (especially) blender, you'll beat the pants off any zombie still happily paying through his nose in order to use commercial appz à la photoshop, or max3d & maya.